Tales From The Cannabis Club 2: The Mafia De La Zampa

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Tales From The Cannabis Club


In this edition of Tales From the Cannabis Club, we get an insight into three bizarre and fascinating stories involving slaughter, arson, and armed raids. It is a real comedy thriller!

Welcome back for more short stories of high strangeness from my favourite little cannabis club in the south of Spain. The story of the Mafia de la Zampa is not one of a secretive crime syndicate, rather the local stoner crew of outcasts, rogues, and ordinary decent weed smokers that frequent my local cannabis club. Blaze a joint and enjoy a few crazy stoner stories.

LA DIA DE LA MATANZA & FREDDY THE PIG KILLER

Cannabis Pig

“The day of the slaughter” sounds ominous but it’s a local tradition in this part of Spain and blood soaked fun for all the family. Just like the real Sicilian Mafia, members must be blooded in. For the Mafia De La Zampa, this is their rite of passage.

The annual slaughter of swine in the Mountain villages and towns of southern Spain occurs sometime during late summer or early autumn both Freddy the Budtender and I were nicely toasted after smoking some Garlic O.G. Kush when he told me the story of Pig Killing Day.

Freddy and his family like lots of others in town are originally from the UK and emigrated to Spain more than a decade ago. He’s only 19 years old and works in a legal Spanish cannabis club, so he’s got a lot of insight far beyond his years and every teenagers dream gig.

Growing up in Spain, he has embraced most local customs and of course, speaks fluent Spanish, but the day of the slaughter took a little getting used to. It was the “terrible screams, just horrible squealing” that caught the young 9-year-old Freddy’s attention as he was happily playing in his new Spanish back garden. Just over the fence something or someone was being murdered.

It took him a few minutes to work up the courage, but eventually, curiosity got the better of the boy as the noise came to an abrupt halt. So he fetched a chair to stand on so he could peer over the fence at the horrors unfolding.

To his surprise, he saw a smiling Spanish family Mother, Father with blood still dripping from the large knife in his hand, and two boys about his age all gathered around a freshly slaughtered pig, strung up and in the process of being butchered.

Later that same evening the Spanish family, as Freddy put it, “came by with like a plate of sausages, chops, and puddings as a gift; we just kind of smiled and took it”. These days Freddy is well prepared for a Mad Max post-apocalyptic lifestyle, as he too is now a seasoned pig killer. Over the years he’s gone from squeamish to a soon to be blood drinking cannibal. Freddy’s a genuine Mafia De La Zampa soldier.

YURI DABBER EXTRAORDINAIRE STARTS A CAR FIRE

Car fire

Yuri the Dabber is a Mafia De La Zampa associate and club regular much like myself. Yuri is another young UK ex-pat in his twenties with a penchant for concentrates. Usually, while I’m chain smoking joints and pestering Freddy for a loan of a pen and some note paper, Yuri is busy with a blowtorch and a dabbing rig.

My clumsiness has prevented me from whole heartedly embracing dabbing. It’s not the concept that presents a problem for me it’s the red hot torch lighters and dabber tool that I’m sure sooner or later will land me in A&E.

“Well doc, you see I was doing some amateur welding in my man cave when I accidentally barbecued my left thumb” is not what I want to be babbling stinking of whiskey and weed, with a head full of painkillers in a Spanish hospital or the veterinary surgery up the road from the kebab shop at midnight on Saturday.

However, Yuri is a dabber extraordinaire with a steady hand and phenomenal lung capacity. He has fine tuned a tremendously effective dabbing technique with much practice and can take huge hits that would incapacitate most, with ease and not a single cough.

In between hits of wax, Yuri told me the story of his recent treacherous trip to the post office that cost him his prized vape-pen and almost his life. As Yuri exhaled a dragon’s breath of white smoke after a blast from the rig and I sparked another blunt of Banana Haze he explained the perils of vaping on the go.

Yuri was driving to the local post office one afternoon and on the way rummaging through the glove box searching for a spliff he discovered the vape pen he had gotten for Christmas. Upon arrival at the post office, he eventually found a loose bud in his jeans pocket. It seemed he was all set; he quickly devised a plan to vape on the go.

It was simple he would “pack the bud in the vape pen and rest it on the centre console, you know let the bud cook while I queue up in the post office and by the time I get back to the car bingo!”

While Yuri was in line in the post office he happened upon a spliff in his inside jacket pocket as he was taking out his wallet to pay for the postage. Elated he blazed up immediately once he got outside and took off in the car for home.

Cruising along, taking the scenic route to avoid any potential traffic cops Yuri began to notice the car was really hot boxing. As he finished his joint and neared home the car was positively foggy inside so much so that it was becoming difficult to see through the windshield.

Finally, Yuri pulls over a few hundred metres from home and leaps from the car in a panic. The centre console is on fire and in the middle of a puddle of molten plastic, the vaporizer is still on. Yuri frantically grabs a rag from the boot of the car to beat the flames out and switch off the vape pen, as smoke billows from the burning car on a hillside.

The vape pen is Yuri’s permanent scorched phallus symbol reminder never to vape on the go again as it is now fused to the car’s interior staring at him every time he takes a spin. Never get stoned and get behind the wheel.

HEINRIK THE VIKING AND VEGAN GUNMAN

Viking Cannabis

Heinrik is Scandinavian and what Donnie Brasco would call a “connected guy” to the Mafia De La Zampa. Both Heinrik and his girlfriend Liz, also Scandinavian, are club members but also play a more hands-on role and contribute time and labour to keep everything running smoothly for other members.

The couple are vegans and animal lovers in there early thirties. In fact, they are the friendliest stoners you could meet. However, Heinrik is a grower and is oft-travelling to and fro in a car filled with growing equipment and tools.

He also has a habit of wearing a camouflage military-style coat, keeps a long beard and frequently is accompanied by a huge mastiff that looks like a killer but is actually a teddy bear. To the local law enforcement officials of this town this kind of character checks too many boxes on the lone gunman profile checklist to be left free to roam unmolested.

One day not so long ago, the long arm of the law finally caught up with the Viking. Over a few joints of Northern Lights Heinrik revealed his nightmare encounter with the law. At a police checkpoint on the outskirts of town Heinrik’s hatchback was swarmed by federal agents. Naturally, he assumed they were searching for weed and he assured them he was not carrying which was true.

Ahh but they were not interested in hippie nonsense, nor were they ordinary local cops. These stern, serious gentlemen outfitted like they were ready to invade Poland were looking for a hardcore terrorist packing firearms and explosives.

Heinrik was worried this was a lonely road in the desert, and maybe these cops wouldn’t be willing to take the risk this wasn’t the extremist they came for. Perhaps they would rather execute him and promptly bury his corpse were nobody was ever going to find it and call it a day.

Would they mistake the fertiliser bottles for liquid explosive? Christ all the electrical cables and wires looks like the car is a bomb he thought. Why are they bundling me in the back of this cop car and roughly cuffing me with cable ties? Heinrik was living a real life episode of COPS.

After about a half hour of thorough searching of his vehicle and much commotion, he was shaken but free to go. Perhaps it was a bogus tip or just plain bad luck, but the Viking was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was lucky he played it cool. Had he floored it past their checkpoint he is sure these dudes would have lit him up like he ran a road block outside the embassy in Baghdad.

That’s your lot for this episode. Top Shelf Grower is hitting the road. But don’t worry I’ll be visiting plenty of cannabis clubs on my travels. More stoner stories are coming soon.

 

         
  Top-Shelf Grower  

Written by: Top-Shelf Grower
Veteran cannabis cultivator originally from Dublin, Ireland and currently on the loose in southern Spain. 100% committed to Top-Shelf reporting until captured or killed.

 
 
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